TERRIBLE PURPOSE

on the terrifying destiny that cannot be stopped

Jun 20, 2026

tonight i had that dream again.

i’m standing in the middle of a vast, grey plain. no horizon. no sky. just an endless expanse of something between fog and smoke that swallows everything beyond arm’s reach.

and this sound…

it is not the sound of battle. it’s something worse. the sound of its aftermath.

of things already broken that cannot be unbroken. voices i recognize coming from directions i can’t locate. people i love calling out from somewhere inside this vast, never ending grey.

i try to move toward them. but i can’t.

my feet are trapped in the ground. as if something outside of me decided that this is where i stand and all i can do is simply watch.

i watch the ones closest to me pay prices i never asked them to pay.

i see the cost of what i am doing written on faces i swore i would do anything to protect.

the relationships that thinned and snapped under the weight of my mission.

the people who reached for me and found someone else. someone they lost. someone they don’t recognize anymore.

someone so consumed he doesn’t even notice them.

someone so blinded by the mission he would sacrifice anything just to get to the destination.

and then at once i move again.

i realize i have been moving this whole time. and it’s too late to turn it back.

i’m moving upward. upward. upward. until the fog falls below me completely.

i’m alone here. it’s cold. but there is something else too.

certainty.

i can see everything clearly now. i’m at the top of the mountain. thousands gathered below me.

i raise my hand. thousands follow. they begin chanting my name.

and then i woke up.

it’s somewhere around midnight on a weekend as i’m writing these words.

all my friends are somewhere out in the city. drinking, partying, ‘enjoying life’ like every normal person in their 20s would.

me? i’m sitting out alone on my terrace. listening to the sound of nightly crickets. smoking my third mehari’s red orient cigarillo. stargazing.

“dreams are messages from the deep.”

are they?

are my haunting dreams a product of something more than mere hallucination? am i really somehow connected to this terrible reality. this terrible purpose.

now, as my head buzzes from the amount of nicotine running through my system, looking back at the remnants of my life so far, i begin connecting the dots.

since i’ve set out on this path, i’ve lost many things. many people.

my whole childhood i experienced a lot of pain at the hands of the person closest to me. a lot of suffering. a lot of powerlessness.

i felt so small. so trapped. so entirely at the mercy of something outside of my control.

and somewhere in that smallness a certain conviction formed….

that the only way out of this wretched condition is up.

the only way you can help others, is by helping yourself.

at first it was just about escaping. about settling this back to how they should be.

but then the vision grew into something so enormous i could no longer see the edges of it.

my megalomania has turned me into someone who cannot be reasoned with. cannot be talked out of it.

my mother once told me something that has never left me.

“you will accomplish the greatest of heights. there is no doubt in my mind about that. but what terrifies me most is that once you get there, you will be all alone.”

i didn’t know what to say to her then.

i’m not sure if i know now.

sitting outside on this hot summer night, i look up and notice the storm building far on the horizon.

lightning flickering from a place i cannot fully see yet. cannot fully make out. but i know it’s there. and i know it’s coming toward me.

the storm cannot be stopped. neither can the avalanche. neither can this.

i remind myself the words of napoleon.

“destiny must be fulfilled. that is my chief doctrine.”